Even Superwoman Gets Lonely

On Loneliness

“Do you ever get lonely?” As a solo traveler, I get this question often. While the answer seems obvious to me, I can understand why it might not be obvious to others. I am strong, independent, and traveling the world on my own, and I enjoy my own company. I couldn’t do this if I got lonely, right?

Wrong.

To be a solo traveler goes against our nature as humans to be in community. The very word “solo” exists to recognize something that stands apart, separated from the rest, different and therefore labeled as such.

This explains why it’s hard for most humans to accept the idea of doing things solo, it’s why people fear it, and it’s why we get lonely.

When I travel, I am usually apart from everyone I love. Of course I get lonely from time to time. It comes with the territory, and it’s nothing to be ashamed or afraid of, nor should it ever deter anyone from traveling alone. Besides, there are far more benefits of solo travel than there are detriments. Alone does not automatically equal lonely.

And loneliness itself not a sign of weakness or defeat. It is a passing emotion, not a defining characteristic.

If a woman is feeling lonely, it should never be misconstrued as a reflection of her self worth, nor of her willingness to be accompanied by anyone uninvited. Ever.

While it has nothing to do with these things, we unfortunately still have to deal with the occasional idiot across the bar, waving us over like he is entitled to our company. Not interested. Not sorry. Lonely does not equal weak. Check please.

Technology Only Goes So Far

In choosing to be a solo nomadic traveler, I have removed myself from the presence of everyone I know and love. Thank goodness for sweet technology that allows me to talk to my friends and family as consistently as, if not more than, I would if I were still living in the States.

Just the other day, my best friend observed that our long-distance friendship may even be stronger than before because we have to make more of an effort to keep it tight than we would if we lived across town, where we might just take each other’s “presence” for granted.

As much as I love technology for allowing me the treasure of connection, sometimes it just doesn’t cut it.

Technology cannot deliver a hug.

It cannot deliver a partner in crime, someone to explore a new brewery with, go paddle boarding on unfamiliar waters with, go for an afternoon run or hike with, help me take photos or record video, or even watch my bags at the airport while I go grab a latte. Social media has proven pretty good at providing me with immediate interaction from viewers, making me feel like I really am sharing an experience with people.

But the truth is, I’m still very much by myself.

On Friendship

They say women need to be hugged more than men, that it’s scientifically beneficial for our hearts. I could have told you that without science.

While I do make friends and even share hello and goodbye hugs (and even kisses in some countries – I wish my culture did this), these are brief and don’t have the same affect as a real hug from a loved one.

The friendships I make on the road are often just routine, like these courtesy hugs and kisses. Yes, they exist, but they lack depth, history, understanding, trust, all the things that characterize a real friendship. They even very often lack any sort of future besides an occasional “like” on Facebook.

They are temporary, bound by the period of time I spend in the presence of these people. No matter how much I might enjoy their company for the time being, they never really get to know me, nor do I really get to know them. When it’s time to move on, we do. We are mostly just passersby, our paths unaltered.

This is why one difficult goodbye can easily outweigh a hundred new hellos.

Occasionally, I intersect with someone I perceive as different, as if we were seeds from the same pod. Soul sisters, soul brothers, those who share an understanding with me beyond the surface, even if we just met. It never takes me long to identify this bond, and these people are the ones worth keeping. These are the ones I allow permission to alter my path.

I remember the very moment when my friend Sabrina and I became best friends. It all happened within minutes. We had decided to go for a training hike together, as we had both been accepted to run a rugged mountain race in Montana. Within our first mile, we had identified a countless number of strange things we had in common, which kept us completely on our toes in excitement until I finally geeked out at her and said, “Did we just become best friends!?”

She decided to keep me too, despite the Will Ferrell quote.

“Wherever you are, it is your friends who make your world.” Over the years, I’ve learned that this really is true, and it is why any long-term solo traveler gets lonely from time to time.

Being Strong Through Loneliness

I know I’ve chosen this lifestyle, and it’s a damn good thing I’ve learned to love who I am on my own, without anyone physically by my side, otherwise I’d have more serious problems to worry about than loneliness. Be wary of that, recognize the difference.

I’ve learned to recognize when I’m just having a bad day, or a sad day. I know it will pass. Usually, I just need a good night’s sleep, or anything in my personal tool kit that centers me, like a good long run, yoga, writing, or a Jon Snow marathon with chocolate ice cream.

The occasional challenge of loneliness on the road is just one more weight that strengthens my courage muscles.

I know a lot of you see me as fiercely strong and independent, and I appreciate that sentiment. I may be strong and independent, but mostly I’m just brave. It definitely doesn’t mean I’m immune to the challenges of being human.

I appreciate the respect and encouragement that I receive from all of you, because it fuels the flame that keeps me marching on my path, and it lifts my chin a little higher with each step. There are a lot of reasons I’m doing this, and if I just step back and look around, I see them everywhere. That alone diminishes my loneliness.

Thank you for accompanying me on this journey, even if it is just through technology. It means more to me to receive your comments and messages than you may realize. So please, if you have thoughts on this, speak up. Share in the comments below, I always look forward to hearing from you.

Also, share the love. If you love your friends, tell them, all the time. Before I published this, I called all my best friends and told them how grateful I am to have them in my life. I couldn’t do this without them, I don’t believe any of us can.